Compendium of the Four Major Food Groups (according to American Men)

1. Beer

2. Pizza 

3. Snacks  

4. Ice Cream

Discussion

1. Beer--Some may argue that we have omitted water but as any Ameri-man can tell you beer will substitute for water in just about any recipe.  Liquors are dehydrated beer. Wine is what constant complainers do.
2. Pizza--Some may claim pizza is actually just another variety of "snack." Talk to any male college student. Because pizza necessarily contains meat (thereby making it a meal, there is no such thing as veggie-pizza. What most people refer to as veggie pizza is actually wheat toast sprinkled with rabbit food.
3. Snacks--This is the one that puzzles most Ameri-men: how can chocolate be in both categories--snacks and ice cream? There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Horatio. That's my story and I'm sticking with it. Snacks are not limited to 8 1/2 oz. shiny bags. Single servings may be contained in 5 lb. cans especially on game day. 
4. Ice Cream--This food, used mostly among the fairer sex to alleviate dumpalgia or other varieties of feminine emotional distress, will often be used by Ameri-men as an esophageal lubricant to ease the flow of excessive ingestions of items 1-3 returning to the natural environment. Its cool temperature and creamy texture are frequently helpful in reducing the nasty acidic burn of ralphing. Watch out, however, for the flavors with nuts--pistachio, Rocky Road, et al,--which will give the vomitus the feel of only slightly chewed glass.

The first in a series delineating and explicating the mysteries of human male behavior in the US of A, this article addresses how Ameri-men understand eating healthily. Others in process will discuss testosterone poisoning, driving while male (limited to white male driving for reasons too obvious to mention), and why most Ameri-men believe old clothes (including shoes) are never too old to wear and why we keep pulling them out of the trash when you throw them away. 

If you, Dear Reader, have other topics of interest in the same vein, feel free to suggest them in the comments. No Ameri-man's idiosyncrasy is too small to receive our analysis nor too complicated for us to simply make up stuff on the spot for the sake of a cheap laugh.