How to Dump a Vampire

[Adapted from Cosmopolitan, UK, November 16, 2012]

"OK,  one last look. You'll never see it again."

Sure, it was fun for a while, exotic even, like when he made your old frenemy Myra choke on her own spit. But lately you've noticed, as the old song goes, "It's not in his nip." Where do you go from here? If you've been using, "it's not you, it's me," "I think we'd be better as friends," or "I'm just not ready for a relationship,"--since we're talking vampires here--you may want to rethink the old tried and true loss lines.

Research from the dating website Seeking Arrangement.com indicates a different approach whether you're a man or a woman. Women tend to soften the blow with, "I'm not ready for commitment," (we're so kind!), whereas men go for the more brutal, direct approach, "This is it, bitch, scat."

Make Any Argument Go Your Way

Ending a relationship is always tricky (sorry). Should you tell the truth or sugarcoat a little white lie? You could tell him he constantly picks his nose or has the dancing prowess of Stephen Hawking, but what's it going to get you? He'll have image problems with his affronted ego which could poison all his future relationships (or is that your intent, you little devil?), and you'll come off as the wicked witch he can berate to his friends.

1. Don't leave him hanging--there's nothing worse than a drawn out breakup.       Driving a stake in his heart really beats death by a thousand splinters. Little hints like not responding to his comments, never touching him again in any directly affectionate way, or putting glamorous portraits of all the guys you're boinking on your Facebook wall will only plant seeds of doubt.
2. Never feel sorry for him--being dumped can end in three ways: he accepts it's the right thing to do, you hug and go your separate ways; he's angry, bitter, and  causes you to burst into flame on the spot; he yelps like an injured puppy and begs for a second chance. Whatever happens don't indulge in pity. A straightforward "I've made my decision," as you walk away preserves your dignity (unless you've burst into flame and look like a piece of overdone bacon).
3. Keep it real--it might be easier to say, "Let's see how it goes," or "Maybe we can give it another try in the future." Big mistake! He'll cling to hope like a piece of flotsam from the Titanic. Let his sorry ass drown!
4. Avoid dumping in public--Forget what you've heard about the Jim Aubrey kissoff in a posh restaurant. Remember, if you really irritate him, he can turn over every table in the joint just by gritting his fangs. And if your goodbye scenario goes awry because he does something cute before you deliver your coup de grace, it'll only become known at some less appropriate time (like when you drunkenly blurt it out). Avoid public places to save red faces all around. Go somewhere neutral where you both can walk away (unless he locks all the doors with his searing vision). Outside is better. So he uproots a few trees, at least you can run away (until he magnetizes your knees and you crumple like a wounded deer).
5. Set the rules--No phoning, no texting, I've already un-Friended you, I've blocked your e-mail, and don't expect me to lie like a succubus in bed every night awaiting your midnight visit. I'm a party girl. I'll be at the clubs. So what if he gets a little rough and you die from some horrific torment? It's better than being hooked to him for all eternity.