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| Mama said, "You're large-boned" |
All men imagine themselves
Greek gods with chiseled features,
Taut muscles, six-pack abs, and
Tiny, but shapely butts. It’s as
If every mirror or store glass
Reflection is like the mirrors
At the amusement park,
Slimming even the porcine
Physique down to thoroughbred
Sleekness. They then see no
Irony in their glaring perusal of
The finest of feminine examples.
Why are we taken aback when
They return our gazes with a
Robert deNiro-esque, “And
Whaddaryou lookin’ at”
Instead of an appreciative
Glance at us? Most wives
And girl friends don’t truck
With this inexcusable habit so
Be really careful where and how
Your eyes wander. You may think
Their yours to do with whatever
You want, but your spouse will
Quickly give you the spiel about
“All parts of your body are mine,
Just like all my parts are yours, so
Get those peepers back in your
Head before I go looking for a
Sharp stick.” And if, at the beach
The girls eye some tanned, lithe
Body builder flexing his pecs,
Bite your tongue about “your
Parts and my parts” because it
Really only works one way and
That’s their way. Besides it’s no
Time to feel jealous. The body
Builder is what you know deep
Down you really look like, and
She’s going home with you, so
There, be satisfied. Except every
Once in a while, your buddy from
High school, Joe Fabeetz, let’s
Call him, who since childhood
Has been as rotund as a medicine
Ball, starts showing up at parties
Missing great portions of his
Shadow. As the summer goes
On his condition is either
Attributable to miracles or
Cancer. But he’s too happy to
Be terminal. In fact he seems
To relish his diminution and
Doesn’t fail to remark how
His new clothes may be a
Little tight now but by fall
They’ll fit him “just right.”
The wives do not fail to notice
These changes and their eyes
Kind of dance over Joe’s new
Slimness and come back to stare
At the obvious strain on your
Shirt buttons. Finally, you can
No longer stand it and you
Ask him, “What the hell do
You think you’re doing?”
Actually that’s how you want
To phrase it but you civilly
Inquire as to his loss. “Oh,
One day I just thought to
Cut back on my portions and
I stay a little longer at the gym.”
Like hell, you think. He’s got
Somebody with a fatsucking
Machine in his basement and
He owes him a fortune. But
His wife, who paradoxically
Has always been thin, backs
Him up. On the way home
Your wife asks without the
Slightest warmth in her voice,
“How many times a week do
You have pizza and beer
At lunch?”
c. J.S.Manista, 2016
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