20160417 (parental guilt)

You never forget hurting your innocent child

My mind’s been on Loki this week.

While cooking split pea soup

Sunday night I thought to let

Him gnaw the hamhock bone

I’d just stripped of the meat.

Fist-sized bone, I thought, he

Can’t swallow this. When I 

Finished placing the soup in

Cartons for freezing I gingerly

Pulled what remained of the

Stripped bone out of his mouth.

He’d whittled it down to half 

The original size and it was

As smooth and white as a cue

Ball. I decided against letting

Him work on the second. 

Bones and dogs can be a 

Bad mix I know but I 

Figured the especially hard

Hambone was probably a

Safe guess. Monday morning’s

Walk had him straining.

When I retrieved his product

I could feel the bone-like

Hardness of a sphere. He

Attempted several times to

Produce more on the way

But nothing came. I thought

It remarkable that he’d 

Really swallowed such a 

Large piece of bone and that

It had travelled through his 

Throat and passed through

His entire alimentary canal.

There must be another piece

Blocking the rest. After two

Days of useless straining,

I took him to the vet. They

X-rayed his little behind.

One could plainly see the

Blockage and the back up. I

Got some doggy laxative for

Him three times a day to see

If that made a difference.

Nothing worked. Now in 

Addition to the trouble he

Lost interest in eating and on

The Thursday evening walk

He threw up twice. And he 

Walked with difficulty. The

Vet had me bring him in 

Friday morning to be sedated,

Cleansed, and observed.

I picked him up at five. He

Seemed his old self but I have

Meds for him and will keep

Him on bland foods at lesser

Amounts. He’s asleep on the 

Couch as I write. This has been

One of those times I sincerely

Wished I could turn back the 

Clock and redo the whole thing

By not giving him the bone

In the first place. Just like the 

Time I fixed the baby swing

Out of which Andy fell out

And hit the the edge of his eye 

Socket on the board retaining 

The pea gravel under the 

Swing set. Or like the Time

Nat got his finger mashed

In the hinge of a door I was

Closing. There are few things

Worse than the guilt a parent

Can feel for endangering his 

Child. You never get over it. 

I can still hear the crack 

Of Andy’s face hitting the 

Board. After forty years or so

I'm sure he doesn’t feel 

The pain anymore, but I

Don’t feel it any less.

c. J.S.Manista, 2016