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| Today we share a little hard won wisdom |
To increase the value of your
Midwestern home: take it apart
Stick by stick and rebuild it in
Boston, New York, Los Angeles,
Chicago, San Francisco, or
Silicon Valley. Like cooking
But tired of cleaning? Cook
Your little heart out, dearie,
And if you can swing it, sell
The house and buy one with a
Clean kitchen. Tired of those
Dust-bunnies collecting under
Your furniture and along your less
Used hallways? Teach the cat
To crochet—most of dust
Bunnies are shed cat fur.
Plagued by the monologues
Of Jehovah’s Witnesses?
Screen your front porch and
Introduce them to Scientologists.
Husband not listening to you?
Hire a great looking surrogate
From Sensitive Men, Inc., to
Live with you both for a couple
Weeks. Children not listening
To you? Take a family field
Trip to Children’s Services
And Probate Court. Alternate
Reading forms applicable to
Surrendering troublesome
Offspring. Having trouble losing
Those extra pounds but can’t
Afford costly weight loss
Surgery? Watch a couple
Youtube liposuction videos,
Ascertain the size of the
Crevice tool on your shop vac,
Find an orifice, steel your
Nerves, and have at it. No one
Answering your prayers? Scale
Back your requests to more
Reasonable desires—like
Getting four of the seven
Numbers for winning the lottery.
Frustrated that your blood
Sugar numbers are not coming
Down? Occasionally prick a
Healthy person’s forefinger
(But for best results, ask first).
Can’t sleep at night? Just for the
Hell of it stop napping all day.
Women not responding to
Your desperate requests? Try
Not using your Ted Cruz voice.
Never getting what you really
Want for your birthday? Try
Open-carry at family gatherings.
Never getting the Christmas
Holidays off? Stop speaking
Yiddish at work. Always getting
A zombie as an Uber driver?
Face it, some problems have no
Solutions—spring for a cab.
c. J.S.Manista, 2016
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